Resolved question:
While I write this, I have very little amount of confidence over the help I could receive in my problem. You might call this my pre-conceived notion or the mentality that no one can help me. However I am taking this step to seek help because I can no more bear this pain.
I got married at the age of 25 and got divorced later on, as according to me my husband found little interest in the married life and was totally engrossed in his work. I found solace in the company of an old school friend(Lets call him 'N') and we spent good quality time with each other. I loved him and he loved me back. Every thing was turning to be good after a long time of loneliness and sadness. Though my immediate family, as in my mother and my siblings were against my decision of divorce and hence broke contacts with me, which pained me a lot but in the comfort of my new found love I was able to live with the pain. Meanwhile my efforts paid and I got admission in one of premier colleges in India. I had worked earlier in a Public sector in good position but since the work was unsatisfying and there was no support from my husband to pursue job successfully I had to leave it. Since then I was trying to find a better way to pursue my career dreams. Meanwhile in the break-period I engaged in creative activities. Now fast forward to 2013, I was able to re-start my life and my life again started to show semblances of sanity. I was loving the college life and the regularity and the enthusiasm and I was extremely happy, though there was the pain of leaving my beloved temporarily.
Here I am struck with the next big hurdle of life which I am currently facing. Without my knowing and without the slightest hint, I fell in love with a boy(Lets call him 'S') over here. He is 24 years old and an albino(why i wrote this i do not know but may be it is required). I have no idea what i liked in him and he liked me doubly, or may be many times more. I left college and went back but since I did not want to leave college I tried once more and went back to rejoin.I sustained only a week. I left my degree forever and went back to my beloved. I could not sustain the idea that I have to leave my beloved and move with this new found love. I might sound as a woman who has no concept of boundary or who is a person who seeks thrills in such activities. But I know I am not, though I do lot of self-flagellation. I have left my college for past 20 days or so. My career is gone,I am back with my beloved, but the thoughts of this new found love 'S' does not go from my mind. I am in immense pain. I have tried various ways to get over 'S' but nothing seems to help. I love both of them dearly(though it may sound nonsensical), but as we know we all cannot live together (but to accept that I have considered even this, so you can see how hopeless I have become). My mind tells me to live with 'N' but my heart asks me to rush to 'S'.
To add a bit more about myself, I have been a victim of repeated rape at the age of seven, sexual assault at the age of 10 and a victim of physical abuse for eight years by a school senior.I opened up about all this to my mother and brother last year,2012, but they showed no amount of sympathy leave alone empathy. My mother was very cruel.I married my husband because he helped me to get rid of the abuse. But my ex-husband was always,very cold towards me. In year 2005 I also faced the death of my father, during which I got no support from my ex-husband(then not married, marriage happened in 2007, Feb), meanwhile I got close to a boy(Lets call him 'R') with whom I was studying in my post graduation. He supported me through my torment to overcome my dad's death. I wanted to marry him, but my own indebtedness to my ex-husband for the help to get rid of the abuser,my dad's death and the financial condition, my mother's pressure to get married to a suitable boy,and 'R' told me that I belong to my ex-husband and that I should not think of him. All these conditions compelled me to marry my ex-husband.
Now I do sound like a person who had many men in her life and I do not know how would you look at it, but yes it is an attempt to seek help.
Submitted:
4 Days
Category:
Psychiatrist
Hello,
Thank you for query at DoctorSpring. I have gone through your account in detail and I can understand what you are going through.
First of all you would be surprised to know that your case is not very unique. We do encounter such cases many times in our clinic. The most probable diagnosis for such personality traits is a borderline personality disorder. It is a personality disorder and needs some in-depth assessment and treatment to take care of it. Its a dialectical behavioural therapy which focuses on your thinking process will help you in helping with this condition and prevent you from future problems.
In the current situation it would be wise to continue with your current mate rather than your new college friend or your ex husband. You need to understand your priorities and responsibilities.
Hope that helps
If you have any further queries I would be glad to help you.
Regards
Dr. Srikanth Reddy